Memories : The Piano Story

We all have moments we want to remember. Moments that we want to forget. The ones we tried to hang on to will disappear; the ones that we want it to disappear, etched forever in our minds. This is a memory of mine, a story I want to tell.

When I was a little girl, I love to listen to music. Whenever I watched the television, the theme song will always catch my attention. Fondness of music remain just as an interest, I have no intentions to deepen my interest in it. My father brought me to a music store and I had the opportunity to meddle with the pianos. The only song I knew how to play that time was 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and 'Ode to Joy' by Beethoven. Simple songs that can be played just by using one hand. I was sad when I have to leave the music store; because I knew I wouldn't have the opportunity to go there again. My father caught my interest in meddling with the piano. Knowing that it might make an investment in future, he asked me, "Do you want to learn how to play the piano?" I answered yes almost instantly. Without thinking how hard it will turn out in the future. To me, I have the opportunity to play songs that I like, to entertain myself during my free time and perhaps to play some music for my mother whenever she wants to listen to one.

Credits to Globe-views.com

So, my father ordered the piano, it was a second-hand Kawai piano in good condition. I can't remember how much it cost but from the conversation alone I knew that the owner sold the piano after 35 years of owning it. Imagine how much nostalgia and the sentimental value in it that money could not buy. I was thrilled to find out that I'm going to learn how to play the piano. More excited to know that I'm going to own a piano. Everyday I would go to school and imagine that my piano will be sitting at the corner, waiting for me to come back home and touch it, to run my fingers on its keys and to play beautiful melodies that echo throughout the hall. Clear disappointment marked my face upon knowing the piano have not arrived. I don't remember when exactly it arrived but somehow it did. Yes, I was right there; watching them shifting it into that corner that I always dreamed. The first song I played on it.. yes. 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'. I was excited, thrilled, happy, dreamy and whatever that you want to name it. 


The next step is to get a teacher to teach me. My piano teacher stays right behind my house. Convenient for me to go to class. Because I always enter from the back door, I've always been curious of what is it like to enter from the front door. Haha, kids. In my first class, my teacher taught me how to draw the treble clef. Lots of colouring, lots of colour pencils. I still remember there's a small table and small chair in the piano room. Very cute~ but I chose the big table instead hahaha when my legs could even barely reach the floor. The first note my teacher taught me was the middle C. We practiced on the middle C for about two classes until my teacher was sure that I could handle the timing properly (timing of crotches, minims, and semibreves). So that's how it went on, from C, D, E, F, G, A, B, and all the way up to C. I have to learn how to read the staves hmmm.. and I have to learn to recognise different clefs. The notes on the bass clef always make me laugh, I have to stop laughing or else I couldn't play the piano.

Credits to musicnotes101.wordpress.com

So that was my progress. Yes, I can label myself as a slow learner. Probably that's because I don't spend time in practicing. School hours tire me out in the morning and I have to complete my homework and revision in the evening. The only time I have is at night, after dinner. After dinner, I would crept up to my piano to practice on the task given by my teacher; but often I was stopped by my father who wanted to watch the 8:00pm news on the television. I became lazy and after that I don't practice as often as I do.


When I shifted house, my father placed the piano at the corner at the dry kitchen (which is pretty near to the wet kitchen). Well of course, we don't use the dry kitchen and we have a glass door to separate the dry kitchen from the wet kitchen. That particular spot is very hot, the ceiling fan is far away in the living room. Surely it can't cool me down. I have to depend on the stand fan that I dragged all the way from the dining room. The wires are not long enough so the stand fan could only blow from a distance. I could only bite my lip and groan in Malaysia's hot and humid weather. Hot weather causes me headache and my temper is not helping me much. Yes, I can be a very patient person but at times, even the most patient person could lose his/her temper. Who can tolerate the hot weather? And no, I don't dare to switch on the air-conditioner. Don't ask me why. I just don't. That's how I went through years of it.


As time goes by, I began to lose patience. Weather is just another reason probably. When people started comparing you with another who is more talented. When there's ornaments which I can't play it out well. When your progress slows down. When you struggle to find a balance between academic and music.

Ornament chart : Credits to www.notation.com

I handled my grade 7 ABRSM practical exams pretty well I think. My scores were close to merit, even though they aren't perfect but I'm glad with it. When grade 8 comes, that's when it all started. Hold on for a moment; comparing theory exams and practical exams;  I always preferred theory exams. Maybe I score better in theory exams. Maybe it's because I'm not talented. And no, I couldn't play by ears. To me, it's a gift,  and I'm not gifted. It can be trained but since I'm a pretty slow learner, I guess you can just forget about it.


My teacher wanted to expose me to more music composer's pieces; and my mother wanted me to finish the grade 8 as soon as possible. I know that both meant well. On one hand, I will have more experience and exposure and on the other hand, it won't clash with my degree course. I was still in foundation studies as I was learning grade 8 ABRSM pieces for exam. I have to travel to college early in the morning and by the time I reached home at 5 (or latest 7), I was already exhausted. Assignments and revision started to pile up. I have to do well or else, I could lose my chance of clinching the course I want. I chose prioritise my studies over music for the time being. I do practice on weekends but somehow there's always something or someone who always messes me up. Dang you, seriously, dang you. FYI, I'm still annoyed with you. As the deadline for exam approaches, I practiced more but 5 hours a week is not enough when my progress is slow. I need 2 hours a day, I tried hard to arrange for time but it wasn't easy.


I was really glad when the foundation studies were over. My results were hmmm pretty okay~ Now I have to shift the focus on music. I tried to practice as many times as I could but my fingers were weak. I couldn't handle fast songs and chords. Slowly but sure I was catching up. But I tried and tried, I tried hard. Everyone is giving me pressure but I'm holding on tight. I gave myself more pressure because I knew I can't afford to fail this last exam. My exam is held on May (or was it June? Can't remember). With the last 4 months I have, I use all up all my effort. But I couldn't hold on for long. Every week, the night before class, I would stay up late till 4 in the morning and only fell asleep when exhaustion overwhelmed me. I couldn't sleep, I was scared, I was exhausted, I was losing all my confidence.


Gone was the girl who was passionate about music, gone was the girl who is excited to go to class every week. Now, to her; everything is dreadful. She poured out her soul to the someone who was willing to listen to her woes until 4:30 in the morning. He will always stand by her side to encourage her, to tell her not to give up and persevere in every circumstances because he will be there when she needs him. Every time when she sees the piano, she tried to avoid it. Because she's scared. Because she's terrified. Fear gripped her heart and fear overwhelmed her. She wanted to cry each time when she touch it, because the feeling when she first fell in love disappeared. She would just walk pass by it, never wanting to look at it. Because she hate it. She hate herself for not being talented. She hate herself for not working harder, hard enough to overcome the circumstances.


Sigh, my listening skills were far beyond average and this worries me because I know I need to score for my aural tests if the music pieces that I've been practicing for months condemns me during the exam. Unexpected things happen all the time and we have to be prepared for that.


I trained myself to listen to the ABRSM CD for aural tests and prayed hard I would do well in the exam. On the day before exam, situations pop out of nowhere and it distracted my mood. I was the first candidate of the day, which means I have to go early to the exam venue and not having enough time to practice unless I wake up 5am in the morning to do so. I didn't do well in the exam due to panic and fear. I came out of the exam room, feeling disappointed with myself but I'm glad it's finally over. In my mind, I was thinking that I was sure to fail due to my lack of performance. The examiner was a middle aged petite lady, she's a very nice person; friendly and warm. I know she prompted me during the exam (by right, she is not supposed to because marks will be deducted). I thanked her when the exam is over and headed to have a nice cup of coffee in the hotel cafe. My most expensive coffee in my life ever. *rolls eyes*


Well, the results will be only out months later, so in the mean time, I learn to let it go. Let the hard feelings disappear, let the fear slowly dissipate. I stopped playing music on my piano since then. I was afraid to face it. The feelings will never be the same again. Once in a while, I will just run my fingers on the piano keys and probably play a short song or two but I never get to finish the whole piece. Memories and nostalgia will overwhelm me; and I will rush to hide the feelings away in me. 


People judge all the time. It never ends. It didn't really matter to me anymore how people judge me, because I am proud of me being me. Learn to embrace your strength and weaknesses. You are still you. The very fact that will never change.


Nevertheless, thank you for the opportunity for me to learn music. I know that not everyone has the privilege to do so. Thank you for the joy and happiness when you were with me. Thank you for being there when I'm sad, thank you for being there when I'm mad. Thank you for making me fall in love. Thank you for the ups and downs in life. Thank you for the sadness and tears. Thank you for the wonders and sweet melodies you whispered. I will always love you. No matter how feelings change through time, I will still love you.

Credits to weheartit.com

Love truly,

Amaryllisrue.


P.S : I passed my grade 8 ABRSM practical exams.