Present That Cuts Your Heart, Past That Gnaws Your Toes

I felt a pain somewhere around my heart, like somebody was squeezing it in their hand. Squeezing it till it stopped. Squeezing it till there was nothing left but a handful of needles and sawdust. –Lee Smith, “You Lock It Behind You” 

I was contemplating about it for a long time. The more I think about it, the more mess it makes. Like a tangled string that gets more tangled when you tried to pull it apart. The tension that gets thinner till it finally snapped.

Shock portrayed on your face when you saw me. Perhaps you didn't expect to bump into me. I must admit, you managed to keep a cool and calm composure about it. Perhaps you were hoping that I wouldn't ask you any questions.

Fine, I wouldn't. 

You pretended nothing happened and thanked the heavens and the earth that I didn't grab hold of you to ask anything and you quickly walked away to avoid further questions. For the second time I passed by *your back was facing me*,  I should greet you. I took few steps towards you and then decided against it. 

You assumed that I would not be easily offended. That was true. In the past few years.

To think that you are a person who gets easily offended. Everyone gets offended at times. It just depends on how long are they able to bear the grudge. If you get easily offended with things, the question is; is there something wrong with the world or is there something wrong with you?

To be honest, I will forget everything at the moment when I go to sleep and wake up the next to start a new day.

Rights as stated on pic.

I am thankful that I had supportive individuals around me, to stand up and encourage, cheer and reassure me. I used to think that I'm senseless and imprudent. The choice of repeating the same mistake twice. That perception of myself will take some time to alter.

As the proverb goes, once is carelessness, twice is foolishness. I was foolish enough allow myself to be vulnerable to things surrounding me.

It wasn't the first time I wept about it. I wept for days till I finally decide that I shouldn't be weeping. You apologised on a text message and I replied a long text to send you words of encouragement. It took weeks for us speak to each other; slowly but sure.

As time passes, the relationship grew and I opened up easily to share my thoughts and feelings. Opened up way too easily. It's like I forgot how it hurts when the knife stab right through my heart, how it hurts when the blade cuts through my skin. You did warn me about it, but since I've decided to let the past go, it all didn't matter to me.

How did it feel when the present axes your heart and the past gnaws your toes? What will the future bring? That's when you started to look back and felt that you made the wrong decision. The past must not be forgotten. It serves as a template to us in order to prevent history from repeating itself.

Sadly, I kept the template on top of the wardrobe and it fell down on my head on day. Like 'pang!', 'clang!' it goes, and it clatters on the floor. I picked it up and examined it, only to find it dented from the impact and stained with tears from the past. It was only then I realised; I made the wrong choice. I took the wrong path. I should have noticed the icy death glare that you gave. Unfortunately, I am not observant in things. I used to. When we tend to be observant, we judge. Judging the way a person talks, the way a person sits, the way a person dresses and even the way a person eats! Who are we, a person like you and me, to judge?

Does anyone even know that the heart hurts?

Thank you for spending the time to talk to me and to calm my emotions down. I was in an emotional turmoil for days. At least I managed to voice out my frustrations and in exchange I obtained words of thoughts and encouragement. I did feel better after that. I just need to change my perception on things and everything will be fine.

I shouldn't be assuming things and shouldn't be concluding things easily without confirming the hypothesis. The question is, would you let me confirm it? I'm afraid not. As a result, this puddle of thoughts will end up in a sea of mess. If you do have a conscience heart, you will come to me and explain things. Just like you did to others; but if you don't bother to do that, it's alright because I can finally convince myself of an answer; not that I'm not worthy of you, but you are not worthy of me.

Sometimes I wondered, what if I took a different path? Will I be a different person? Will you choose to avoid the hardships and tears? Will you change the path you took today if you ever had a chance?

My answer is NO. I am who I am today. A stronger person.



Signed,

Amaryllisrue.